Tuesday, January 19, 2010

A Hard Day

today has NOT been fun. i had a rough night last night, which led me to a rough day today. i had a weird reaction to a headache medicine they were giving me. it made me extremely dizzy, i could barely stand up straight & even sitting up in bed made me feel strange. my blood pressure was taken 3 times within 10 minutes. the first 2 were elevated, but the third was 172/108. which is crazy high! so, they quit giving me that specific medicine. i barely slept 3 hours last night. my mind was racing, i'm congested & i was so dizzy. my nurse woke me up at 6:15 a.m. to draw blood for lab work. then the dietary staff brought breakfast at 7:15 a.m. & then the doctor stopped by at 7:50 a.m. to check on me.

my conversation with the doctor wasn't very fruitful. which is frustrating, but not his fault. he basically just checked my vitals & told me to hang in there until Monday. ben left early for school this morning, so i was completely alone by 8:00. at this point, i had pretty much had a breakdown. you know, one of those ugly cries. i just couldn't help it. (i'm not writing this to receive pity but b/c i want to remember how i felt each day & how the Lord brought me through it) i knew that at that time, Jack was up, eating breakfast & beginning his day. it was so heart breaking for me to think about not being there with him. not being the first thing he saw in the morning, not giving him his breakfast, not singing songs with him & not chasing him around our house & he tried to get into everything. all i could do was look at his picture on my phone & miss him. i'm really not trying to be dramatic. i have gotten to see him everyday & i am thankful for that. BUT going from taking care of him 24/7 to seeing him for a couple hours each day is killing me.

i worry about what he is thinking. is he missing me? does he notice a difference in his day? does he wonder if i've left him or why i'm not around? thinking about these things is so difficult. and i let the negative & the enemy get the best of me. i do feel guilty that i'm not taking care of him, even though i know its temporary. and i do hate sitting here, being away from him so much. if you're a mom, you understand (or can try to understand) how hard this is for me.

after my ugly cry, i fell asleep. for about 40 minutes. then i went to my ultrasound. Jovie scored a perfect 8, even though she was so stubborn & wouldn't cooperate for about 15 minutes. it was really kind of funny. even though it gave me a glimpse into my future!! after the ultrasound, i came back, climbed in bed & tried to rest. then the mother of all headaches came my way. i mean it was ridiculous. i called my nurse & begged for more tylenol. but it wasn't time yet. so she gave me a warm washcloth to place over my eyes. i turned the tv off & turned off all the lights. on a pain scale of 1-10, this was an 8. easily. the worst i've had, ever. i laid still & rested for 2 hours with no relief. finally, it began to ease up a little. i was able to shower & eat a little bit of lunch before Ben got back from school.

the rest of the day has been typical. i've rested a lot, napped & waited for Jack to come see me. the Lord has done what only He can. provided peace to my heart. encouraging words from friends, family, nurses & even my sweet husband do not compare to the peace of Christ. i do not know how people make it through the day without Him. He used my worst day, in a long time, to show me something. i am Jovie's mom. (ok BIG duh, i know) i have been Jovie's mom for 36 weeks now. and right now, she needs me. she is healthy & doing just fine. but she needs me to be healthy. she needs me to take care of myself & allow others to help me do that. i can not ignore her need. soon, i will be home with both her & Jack. life will be exhausting, but so sweet. Monday is only 5 days away. i know in reality, that is not a long time. but in hospital bed rest years, it is!! the Lord has shown me some other things, but this was the biggest. at least to me.

so, i'm trying to have a positive attitude & look for the best. i get to talk to Dr Williams tomorrow. she will clear up some things & help me to feel better. i get to see my sweet boy again tomorrow. and i'm only days away from meeting this precious girl. i can't wait to hear her first cry. what a sweet sound. i have an amazing husband who is taking good care of me. and i have 2 sets of parents that are taking excellent care of Jack and loving every minute of it! overall, life is good. the days are long, but the years are short. i'm just trying to remember that!!

if you have read this, bless you. i know its long & filled with my rambling emotions. but it is my blog! i appreciate you for taking time to read about what is going on with us. here are a few prayer requests, if you would pick one & pray for us, i would love it.

* Jovie's health


* my emotions

* a smooth & healthy c-section on Monday

* that the next 5 days would go quickly for me & that i would keep a positive attitude. not fixating on the hard parts, but trusting the Lord with each day.

* my meeting with Dr Williams tomorrow. that she would schedule a time for the surgery on Monday & that it would be a fruitful conversation

* Ben.

thank you so much.


Audra Laney said...

Sweet Audrey, my heart just aches for you. I talked to Andrew last night and told him I couldn't imagine being away from my Drew this long. But you are so right--you are now a mommy to two! And your littlest baby needs you right now. I'm sure there are going to be many days in the near future where her needs are going to come above everyone else's! This is just your toughest practice run! Hey--if you can handle this--you can handle anything, honey!

I'm not trying to be all 'pollyanna' on you. I don't want to undermine the toughness of the situation you're in. I just cannot imagine. But we can remember that in 5 short (er...long) days, it will pay off when you hear your sweet baby cry for the first time! Those tears are going to stream down your face and you'll get to cuddle her all night and day! Oh I'm just going to cry thinking of that joy you get to experience! Makes me jealous!!!

Is there anything you need? Anything I can bring you? Just let me know what I can do and I'll be glad to!

You're in our prayers constantly!

clintonva said...

Dear Audrey,
Reading your entry for today brought so many memories and emotions back to me. I remember feeling so guilty whenever Sarah was in the hospital and we had to be with her and leave Kevin, Claire, Phillip,Catherine and Ross with my parents to care for them. I dont' know if you know, but when we moved to Virginia, Sarah had four major surgeries within an 18 month period as well as several hospital stays for seizures. It was so hard to deal with my emotions being torn in so many directions. When I was at the hospital with her, I felt guilty that I wasn't home. When Ross and I went home to shower and get something to eat, I felt like we should be at the hospital with Sarah. One thing the Lord taught me about all that was I needed to accept help from others and allow them the opportunity to serve Him by serving me. I never had a problem with helping others, but I found it very uncomfortable to let others serve you. I had to learn to harness my pride and independence in not needing anyone. It was a lesson that was hard to learn and Rosser and I learned what being gracious was all about. I hope you won't wait till you are as "old" as we were to learn it!!!

You are being a good mother to Jovie and giving her what she needs. By doing so, you are setting the example for Jack so he can see what kind of sacrificing love comes from parents and that as parents we learned what sacraficial love was from our Great God and Father.

You just hang in there and bake Jovie a little longer. You know how you are miserable right now and just want your body back? Somehow within a few weeks of giving birth, you will forget about the pain of delivery and being uncomfortable and not being able to sleep on your tummy and will miss feeling her move inside you. I did that six times. Must be the way we are wired, huh?

You have so many people bringing your name faithfully and confidently before our Lord. I hope you will be more at peace in the next few days and you and Ben will add a new richness to your marriage.

With love from an "old" mom,

Alice Clinton

Jessica Kenney said...

I am still praying for you girl! You can do it! I know its so hard but that sweet baby girl is so worth it!!

Can't believe you will have her on Monday! That is just awesome news!

I will have to update you on what we are having, Monday is just a great day huh?!?

Love you girl!

Ashley Fisher :) said...


I'm still praying for you!! What a great thing to realize about you being Jovie's mom. I felt that way too when I was in the hospital to have Adelyn. I'm proud of you; way to keep a positive attitude!!

love you