He's still working on me

remember that old children's song:

"he's still working on me. to make me what i need to be. it took him just a week to make the moon and the stars, the sun and the earth and jupiter and mars. how loving and patient he must be. cause he's still working on me."

well that has been so true of me these past few months. the Lord has shown himself through my prayer life, in such a refreshing way. i have been praying very specifically. very intentionally. especially when it comes to Judah, his pregnancy, birth and infancy. i just asked the Lord for things that i thought would be beneficial for our family. i do realize that my ways are NOT his ways. so i asked him to only give me those things if he knew they were best for us. b/c if they are not, i do not want them. 

i prayed that Judah would be carried to 39 weeks. i prayed that my iv and spinal would go well. i prayed that Judah would learn to nurse quickly. i prayed that i would have minimal to no soreness when he latched on. i prayed my incision would be small so that i could heal quickly. i prayed that i would recover quickly and walk easily. i prayed that i would not have Pre-Eclampsia or any BP issues. i prayed that i would not need magnesium. i prayed that Judah would be born in the afternoon so that Ben and I could spend time with Jack and Jovie in the morning. i prayed that Jack and Jovie would do well without me while at my in-laws (they had been sick that week). i prayed they would be excited about Judah and not jealous. i prayed my regular Dr would be able to deliver Judah. i prayed that we would only need to spend 2 nights in the hospital. i prayed that our first night at home would be restful and that Judah would sleep long stretches. i prayed that Judah would be a content, laid back baby. i prayed that Judah would be able to sleep through noise. i prayed Judah would be a good sleeper at night and nap well during the day. i prayed Judah would be free of acid reflux. i prayed that if he did have acid reflux, that we would catch it quickly. i prayed that Judah would not have colic. i prayed that the Lord would provide me with plenty of help the first few weeks. i prayed that Ben would be sensitive to my needs and understanding of my emotions. (he always has been but i just needed that to continue. ha!) i prayed that Jack and Jovie would be ok with lazy days at home and not become irritable. i prayed that i would adjust to 3 quickly and not have the baby blues. i prayed that i would be able to conquer the task of getting them out by myself so that i could more quickly adjust to how our lives will be from now on. i prayed that Judah would stop waking 45 minutes into his naps, so he can get the rest he needs. i prayed that he would learn, quickly, to put himself to sleep for naps. i prayed that the Lord would give me time each day to spend with Jack and Jovie, individually. i prayed that i would not feel bogged down by house work and just enjoy my kids. i prayed that the Lord would give me a friend to encourage me, just when HE knew i would need it the most. i prayed for a prayer warrior. 

i could go on. but i will stop here. EVERY SINGLE prayer has been answered. every one. not because i am worthy or because i know best. but because he alone is faithful. and for some reason, he has decided to bless me. but more than that, he knew what i would need. what our family would need. i believe he just laid these desires on my heart and then gave them to me for one reason. to glorify himself. he has been proving himself to me. not because he needs to. but because he knew i needed it. i have been SO overwhelmed by his faithfulness. i have had days of tears just because i have seen his goodness. the Lord has been so good to give me a sweet friend, Christen, that has been such an encouragement to me. she texts me each day to ask about my day and she has been faithful to pray for me. and she has served my family in so many ways. i am so thankful for community.

we do believe Judah has acid reflux. so some might say that the Lord did not bless me in that way. but i say you are wrong. because i did pray we would catch it quickly. and we do believe its a pretty mild case. at least for now. 

i am learning that i can trust the Lord with the "big" issues of my life. because he has provided in the "little" issues of my life. i am learning that i must praise the Lord with each prayer and not pray just because i need/want him to bless me. some prayers need to be just praise. i am learning that i need to desire Jesus just because he is Jesus. and not because he can "benefit" me. i am learning that i want him to use me first at home before he uses me outside the home. i am learning that i need to serve my family with love and i need to be patient with joy. 

in the midst of these blessings, there has been conviction. a lot of conviction. i have had hard days. and really hard days. i have had bad attitudes, self pity and whiny moments. and my exhaustion is not an excuse. the Lord is reminding me that the days are long but the years are short. that this is my calling. and that he will equip me for each day. he sustains me. and he is more than enough. 

these are the verses the Lord has used to teach me the past few weeks. i am so thankful for this season. it has been the most challenging but fruitful time of my life. Jesus is faithful. 

Romans 8:6

Isaiah 33:6

Colossians 1:10-12

i wanted to write all this down so i can be encouraged when i struggle. and so that i can always remember his faithfulness. 

Judah's Birthday!

today our sweet baby boy, Judah Haddon, was born. (obviously, i didn't blog on his actual bday, i'm back blogging!)

what a wonderful, answer to prayer our Judah has been. his pregnancy and birth are by far the best and most normal experience i have had. i was able to walk right into the hospital and have him. NO bed rest, NO BP issues, NO Pre-Eclampsia, NO hospital stays before the baby was born, NO student doing my spinal, NO magnesium and no other issues. 

PRAISE THE LORD!! i can not tell you how much i prayed and prayed for his birth. i prayed for SO many different details and aspects to be different this time around. and the Lord was so gracious and kind to hear my prayers and bless me with a normal birth. He has been all in the details. and i am forever grateful. Ben and I enjoyed this day so very much. we were blown away that we were getting a normal experience. what a mighty God we serve. 

anywho. Judah's birth story. 

my c-section was scheduled for 4pm. which i actually loved b/c it gave us time to enjoy the morning and get a few things done. i woke up that morning around 6:30. i drove to Chick-Fil-A to  get us all some breakfast. i had to eat early b/c of the surgery. after breakfast we all showered, bathed and got ready for the day. i had all the bags and diaper bags packed for the weekend. 

we ended up taking Jovie to see Dr Bubba at the last minute b/c she had been sick for about 3 or 4 days before and i thought she had a sinus infection. sure enough, she did. we got a prescription filled, picked up some lunch for the kids and headed to my in-laws to drop them off. 

we arrived at the hospital at 2 pm. we did some paperwork and got into triage. i got hooked up to my IV (ouch!), got my blood drawn, BP checked, monitored for contractions (which i was having every 5 minutes) and waited for the Dr to come in the room. at 4:10 Dr Williams popped in, went over a few things with us and then i was headed back to the OR. 

my spinal went wonderfully this time. it hurt but it was not nearly as painful as it was with Jovie. i went numb quickly and got hooked up to oxygen b/c i was a nervous wreck and had a hard time breathing normally. Ben was allowed back in the room. 

at 4:50 pm, i heard Judah's first cries as he entered the world. my goodness. i was a blubbering mess. never has there been a sweeter sound than that of your child being born. i could cry just thinking about it!

Judah was cleaned up, weighed and wrapped in a blanket. Ben was able to hold him the rest of the surgery. sweet baby boy cried the whole time. so funny. Ben finally settled him down and i was able to get a good look at him. i cried the whole surgery. mostly nerves, but also thankful to the Lord for how he had blessed me with answered prayers and a healthy baby. such an overwhelming experience. 

after surgery we spent 2 hours in the PICU. required for me to regain the feeling in my legs, and allow my body to recover from surgery. i'm so thankful for that time b/c i could just rest and enjoy Judah. i was able to hold him once i could sit up and he even nursed for the first time. finally, around 8pm we were taken up to the 4th floor to our regular room.

our family came back in the room around 8:20pm and met Judah. Katie was able to take some amazing pictures and Jack and Jovie were so excited to finally meet their baby brother. what a wonderful, special and sweet day we had. i will never forget the little details and the sweet moments the Lord blessed us with on that day. Judah Haddon is such a joy and a completely beautiful baby!

we are in love!

9 months with Judah

i have had a really wonderful pregnancy with Judah. sure i've had morning sickness, back aches, headaches, cramps, sleepless nights, gotten up countless times to pee and general exhaustion. BUT that is all pregnancy norm. just part of the ride. i have really tried to thank the Lord each day for this sweet boy growing inside me. and to enjoy his movements, jabs, kicks and punches. b/c even though we would like to have a 4th baby, you never know what can happen. so i wanted to be sure to enjoy each day as much as possible.

i feel like this go around i have actually looked pregnant. probably b/c i lost 35 lbs before i ever got pregnant with him. i have loved getting to watch my belly grow. its amazing how far your body can expand and stretch for a baby!!!

some pics i took over the course of the 9 months i have been blessed to carry him. and yes, i know my belly is low. SO many people have told me that throughout the course of this pregnancy!

18 weeks

23 weeks

28 weeks

29 weeks

30 weeks

33 weeks

36 weeks

37 weeks

38 weeks

whew! that is a BIG baby belly!!

29!

on April 4, i turned 29 years old! crazy. but i love birthdays and i think i always will, no matter how old i get. its just another year to praise the Lord for all he has done for me. and to be thankful for the many blessings i have received. and presents are fun too. ha!

my 29th birthday was a little unconventional. i spent it in the hospital. my 36 week appointment fell on my birthday. my weight and BP looked normal. but i had been having constant headaches, which my doctor knew about. but when i told her i had been experiencing some random but persistent nausea, she said i had to take a trip to Labor & Delivery. she wanted to be sure that my liver enzymes were normal and check my urine for proteins, which were a warning sign of Pre-Eclampsia. and since i've had PE two times already, we had to be cautious.

i called Ben, told him the news and walked over to L & D. i spent a good 2 1/2 hours in triage. Judah's heart rate looked great, i was having a few contractions and a headache. Dr Williams came to visit and said i would be staying the night at the hospital to do a 24 hour urine test. not exactly what i wanted to hear, but I'm so thankful for a trustworthy doctor.

so, Ben headed to his parents house with our kids and i headed over to a hospital room. Ben and the kids brought me dinner and some sweet girls from church brought me some Muddy's cupcakes. i ended up being released from the hospital the next night, just in time for our Good Friday service at church the next day. i'm so thankful i ended up being cleared of PE and that Judah was healthy and strong.

i'll never forget my birthday in the hospital. not exactly what i had envisioned but i can Praise the Lord nonetheless.

Happy Birthday to me! can't wait to turn 30 next year!

goals for 2012

i'm one of those nerds that enjoys New Year's Resolutions. i haven't always been that way. but i find that if i set a few goals for myself, that i really do think about them the rest of the year. and i try really hard to stick to it. i love that feeling of accomplishment. like i said, I'm a nerd. ha!

for the year 2011 a few of my goals were:

*read more.

and i actually did. i read around 7 books. i think. and for me, with 2 toddlers, thats pretty good.

*lose weight. that was my biggest goal. i lost 35 lbs. i started in January and really worked hard until i got pregnant in late July. at that point i started watching my calories but not being as strict and i have not been as diligent about exercise. but, my weight gain for my pregnancy, up to this point at 24 weeks, has only been 5 lbs.

*take more pictures. i only did so so in this area. so, i've kept that on the list for this year.

*eat healthier. overall i have done much better about buying healthier snacks and cooking healthier versions of recipes.

*buy our first home. it was actually more of a prayer request than a resolution. and i'm thrilled to say the Lord met a need for us and we LOVE our new home.

i have really been thinking and praying about a few, reasonable goals for myself for 2012. praying the Lord gives me the diligence and strength to follow through.

save money.

this is a personal goal for Ben and I. we have a few things we would like to have money for and a few things we would like to do to bless others. praying the Lord gives us the self control and discipline to meet our financial goals.

open our home.

since we moved into this house in early September, we have tried to have people over as often as possible. we try, at least once a week, to have someone over for coffee, dessert, dinner or to just hang out. we have really enjoyed getting to know the people of our church by just spending time with them. this year, we are hosting a community group on Sunday nights in our home. we are going to try and have families or couples over for dinner or dessert (hopefully one a week, hopefully) and we just want to have an open door policy in our home. it is our home and a haven for our family. but we always want people to know that we are available and approachable. we want to love people by being hospitable and courteous. and show them grace by always allowing them to come and spend time with us. i NEVER want to be the staff wife or staff family that is too busy or too private to love people. i enjoy having a busy schedule of spending time with people, as long as it does not affect our home life. but so far, that has not been a problem.

serve and teach my children.

ben and i have the conviction to homeschool our kids. its something i have always wanted to do and i'm so thankful Ben shares in my desire to teach our kids at home. i want to use this year to begin preparations to teach Jack some preschool material this fall. and i want each day to be an opportunity for them to learn, through my speech and behavior, about how to honor the Lord. i've been gathering some simple scripture that they can memorize and i plan to implement that soon. we have been working on colors, numbers and letters. and we sing simple songs to help teach memory skills. we pray with them and over them at night and throughout the day to show them they can always talk to Jesus. but i want to be intentional in teaching them some basic skills, including some things they can do around home to help.

be more intentional in my time.

i want to have purpose and plans for each day. i want to wake up before my kids. i want to the time they are awake to spend with them playing, learning or running errands. i want to use naps for housework. and bedtime for some light picking up but then i plan to spend time with Ben. i don't want to always be using my "free time" to do chores or media time. i need to plan time each day to spend with my husband and to make him a priority. i want to plan time, within reason, to be with the ladies of our church. just getting coffee, having them over, talking on the phone or going to lunch. i want to keep my relationships with them ongoing, fun and encouraging. honestly, i just want to be teachable, approachable, honest and full of grace in those areas.

make Ben my first priority.

i think this is pretty self explanatory. but i just want to carve out time for him each day. encourage him more often and pray for him constantly.

continue in my weight loss and exercise

once Judah gets here, i plan to hit it hard (after recovery) back into the calorie counting and regular exercise. i actually miss it. i want to get back into Zumba. i would love to lose more weight and just be healthy for myself and my family.

read

i already have several books in mind. i enjoy reading and i've really learned so much that way

capture 366

this is a daily photo project. you take a picture each day and write a small caption. then at the end of the year, you have so many fun pictures to look back on. and since this is a leap year, i have 366 days to document. i'm pretty excited about it!

decorate and DIY projects

i want to be frugal in my house decor. and i want to plan a few DIY projects to complete. i have so much fun doing this stuff and its a good outlet for me to have fun. i don't want to be over zealous and feel like every room in my house has to be "done". i just want to do things as we can afford them and as i have the time.

looking back over this list it seems a little overwhelming. but i believe it can be done. most of them are just things i can do in my everyday life. as i go. some of them will take a constant effort and prayer. but i'm excited to see how the Lord will help me this year. i can't wait to learn how to balance 3 kids! and i'm so excited to have Jude and make time for him too. he's going to be such a fun addition to our family.

Happy 2012!!

Ft Myers Vacation: Crazy Day 1

our vacation to Ft Myers, FL was a blast. but day 1 was insane. it was like something out of National Lampoons. but, i am so thankful that my children did SO awesome with all the traveling that day. seriously, i couldn't have paid them to act any better. it was just the schedule & unfortunate trip to the ER that made the day so insane.

our day 1 in a nutshell:

-wake up at 5 am. get kids dressed & ready to go. check our flight status, plane delayed over an hour. kids could have slept an hour longer.

- great first flight. kids did awesome on the plane.

- miss our connection in ATL. kids must nap in the airport on the floor. it worked for about 15 minutes.

- great 2nd flight. kids were champs on the plane.

-make it to Ft Myers & get a taxi. end up with craziest driver ever. what should have only taken 15 minutes to get to the condo, turned into an hour long ride. this guy had NO clue where he was going. but, we got our ride for free. definite blessing.

-unload luggage in the condo. making a grocery list so we can head to Publix. its about 6:45 pm & the kids have not had dinner. Jack crashes into the glass top dining room table & gets a deep cut in the corner of his left eye

-frantically call around to find a hospital. kids screaming. they are in tshirts & diapers. throw them in the car & drive like mad to find some help for Jack

-find an Urgent Care Center, 1 mile from our condo. we pull up 10 minutes before they close. Jack gets examined & the DR tells us he can't do the stitches there b/c Jack needs to be restrained & he has no way to do that. he refers us to the hospital, 15 minutes away. talk about a MAD daddy, Ben was so furious they wouldn't help us.

-find Naples Hospital. walk right into the ER & are immediately taken back to get stitches. Praise the Lord!!! Ben took Jovie to get some dinner b/c she was so hungry. i stayed with Jack.

-sweet pediatrician examines Jack & explains the process of stitches. they restrain Jack, lay him back, give him a shot of Lidocaine & then do the stitches. i have NEVER heard my son scream so loud or seen him get so upset. i tried so hard to be strong, but tears fell from my face as they helped him. it was awful. i would have given my right leg to switch places with him.

-stitches done. calm boy. i get our instructions for taking care of his eye, grab the medicine, thank the staff & leave the ER. Ben picked us up & we headed back to the condo.

-its now 9 pm & our kids are officially exhausted. we fix up their beds (both sleeping in our room) and lay them down. they conked right out.

-we scarf down some Wendy's & thank the Lord that Jack's injury wasn't any worse. we relaxed on the couch & then went to bed.

all in all, i am thankful for how the Lord protected us that day. thankful that we ended up in an ER with supportive, sweet staff. thankful that my children handled the day SO well. and thankful just to finally be in FL. but it was definitely a wild day. we were most thankful that it was over! ha!

-did i mention that part of the instructions for Jack's eye was that it could have NO contact with water. that's right. no swimming. the main activity that we had planned for our week. one of Jack's favorite things to do. but we had to refrain for 3-5 days until he got his stitches out. but, we made do. bathing him was tricky. but we managed to find things to do that did not involve water those first several days.

our first day, in pictures:

sweet babies waiting to board the plane. i am SO glad we traveled with the umbrella strollers this trip. so much easier to maneuver through the airports & fold down at the gates!

it may not be easy to tell but we reclined their strollers back on my legs so they could sleep. it actually worked well for awhile!

then i got out the diaper changing pad & laid it on the ground. Jovie did great on it for awhile too. you gotta do what you gotta do! ha!

our hospital bracelet.

all stitched up & ready to go. sweet boy was pretty clingy to me after that. can't blame him.

even with stitches, he is the cutest little boy i know. love him.

a close up of his boo boo. we were really surprised how quickly & how well it healed up. he will probably have a scar there by no big deal. so thankful it wasn't any worse.

crazy first day. best vacation ever. more to come.

Special Memories for June

June is a sweet month. filled with lots of fun memories from days gone by. its so fun to reminisce & praise the Lord for each sweet day & what it still means to me. i just wanted to write them down so that i never ever forget what June means to me!

June 10, 2001

ben & i began dating. it was a sunday afternoon. i will never forget that day. i went over to his house with a few friends to watch the FedEx St Jude golf tournament. we walked the course, sat out under the trees, watched tv & ate lunch. while we were sitting on the couch, watching the tournament, ben reached over & held my hand. we have been together ever since. i can not believe that we have been together 10 years now! so crazy! it has been the most wonderful & most fun time of my life.

June 8, 2006

ben proposed. it was a thursday morning. we were camp counselors at youth camp. ben called me at 7 am to ask me a question & to tell me to meet him down on the beach, just outside our condo. he proposed on the beach. i was so excited i couldn't even say yes at first! he had to ask me a 2nd time! ha! he gave me the most beautiful ring, we called our family & shared our news with all the kids at camp. it was such a fun day!

June 30, 2008

i was 20 weeks pregnant with our first baby. we went to the doctor for our ultrasound. i was a nervous, excited mess. i just wanted to hear that our sweet baby was healthy & growing normally. we were so thankful to hear that baby was healthy & growing right on schedule. we were so excited to find out that we were expecting a sweet baby boy. i had always wanted to have a boy first & we both guessed he would be a boy. we were elated to know that we were right & that the Lord had blessed us with a son. it was such a special day. i'll never forget those thoughts & emotions i experienced that afternoon. i'll never forget it!

June 12, 2009

Jack was 7 months old. i had a doctor's appointment for my 6 month post-op checkup. Ben kept Jack at his parents house. (it was also the week of the golf tournament) i went in for my appointment alone. i sat in the patient room for about 20 minutes before my doctor came in the room. ben even called me to ask what was taking so long. when Dr Williams came in the room, i could see 3 small tests sitting on top of my file. she said "well, you're pregnant!" i said "um, what?!" she said "yep, that is why it took me so long to get in here, we wanted to run 3 tests just to be sure!" i began to cry. not because i didn't want this baby but because i was so shocked & overwhelmed. when i told Ben, he was so excited and happy. it was definitely a day that i struggled, wondering if the Lord knew what he was doing. but when i went to bed that night, i praised Him. because i knew he had a plan. and i knew that this sweet baby was such a blessing. i was excited to be pregnant & excited for Jack to have a sibling. it was such an overwhelming day. but now that i look back on it, i smile. because now we have precious Jovie. i am so thankful for my surprise baby. and so thankful for that hot June day that i found out about her. so thankful that i serve a God who is sovereign & is always working things together for my good & his glory.

i love June. love all the sweet memories that fill the month. love that the Lord orchestrated all these events, in his timing. love that they have each been life changing days for me. excited that i can look back on these days & be thankful. the Lord is so good. and i am so blessed.

Happy June!!

Pruning

pruning:

to cut away dead or overgrown branches or stems, especially to increase fruitfulness and growth.

i am in such a learning, teaching, repentant time of life. the Lord is so good. and so faithful to show me myself in light of his holiness. i attribute it back to our church plant, Revision Church. ever since January, when our church launched, the Lord has been speaking to me in such a real & precious way. He has just taught me so much about community, friendship, love for my brother in Christ, loving & serving my husband, being content in my role of motherhood, discipleship, and how the church (whole body of Christ) is meant to truly operate. its just unreal how much i have learned. not to my credit, of course, but all for his glory.

i have read 3 really great books in the past month. i can't wait to blog about each of them and all of the things the Lord taught me about my attitude, my heart & my motives. ouch. he has been pruning me. its really the best word i can think of to describe his work in my life. he is peeling back the layers of me that are overgrown & dead to make me look more like Jesus & to help me be more effective, faithful, content & wise in my growth.

i love our church. i love the people. i love the high level of accountability. i love the discipleship. i love the music. i love the preaching. i love the community groups. i love my community group. but i love how i see Christ at work, the most. i love that Jesus is our mission & the center of why we exist corporately & individually. i never want the great aspects of Revision to outshine Christ. praying he is always exalted above all else.

lately, the Lord has been using our specific community group to teach me so much. i can not say enough about how much i love these people. we have bonded so quickly. we have so much fun. we have great, healthy biblical discussions about the weekly sermon & all the Lord is teaching us in the day to day of life. we keep up with each other through the week & we challenge each other in the Word. instead of looking at church as something i must attend once or twice per week, i now praise the Lord that i get to be involved at Revision. i look forward to Sundays. i cherish each service & community group meeting b/c i know these are sweet days in the life of our church. once you get a taste of true, biblical community you never want to go back. it is truly life changing. and so needed for every christian. i honestly can't say enough about the importance of community. but, i've already blogged about that here.

there are some very specific areas that the Lord has been pruning in my heart. He has used his word, a close friend, my husband, a church planting conference and those 3 books to convict me. it hasn't been the most pleasant "look in the mirror" but it has been beneficial. i am so thankful that he has keeps drawing me, keeps calling me to repentance, keeps changing my heart, keeps strengthening my convictions & keeps forgiving me. one major thing that is stuck in my heart & mind on a daily basis is this:

in every area of my life, i am blessed. in every area i have reason to give thanks. so, i have no reason to ever:

Complain

Compare

Control

i can not complain about 1 single thing. complaining does NOT come from a heart of contentment. i am to be thankful for my husband, his job, our kids & their personalities, my responsibilities of raising my kids, the home i live in, the location of my home, the clothes i own, the budget we live on, the amount of date nights we are able to have, our church, our friends & our families. even when i am frustrated about things, NO complaining. b/c things could always be worse, always be harder, always be more stressful. i do not want anyone to be able to say i am a complaining, contentious woman. i want to be seen as content & joyful in any situation.

i can not compare. this one is more difficult for me internally. comparing does not come from a heart of contentment. i can not compare:

my marriage vs another marriage

my children vs other children

the way we raise our kids & our convictions in this area vs the way someone else raises theirs

our home vs anyone else's

our budget vs another family's income

our church size vs another church plant or existing church

our material possessions vs what someone else has

my body (skin, hair, weight, figure) vs another woman's body

my spiritual gifts & the areas the Lord has both gifted me & in ways i struggle vs anyone else

my position as a pastor's wife vs another woman in our church & her position

my friendships vs other girls & their close friends

i could go on & on with this, but you get the picture. i just can't compare. and that can be very difficult. i have reason to praise God b/c he has given me this body, my specific hubby & kids, our vocation, our church, our families, friends & home. this can be a daily struggle. and i have to be careful that i do not look at others & long for what they have but that i also do not look at others & be "thankful" that at least i'm not that bad. make sense?! no comparing. its just a waste of time.

i can not control. this is also internal, for me. my biggest battle in this area is with the Lord. i struggle with questioning his way over mine. i try to do something my way when i know His way is best. i will fill my prayers with what i want & how i want it instead of just praising him for who He is & what He has done in my heart & life. if i feel like something is taking too long or i'm frustrated b/c i feel as if things could be better, it's really just my flesh trying to control a situation. so sinful. i have learned, through the years, that i can deeply trust Jesus. He is sufficient. and because of this, i can trust him with my life. i can also trust Ben. he has NEVER given me reason to believe that he doesn't want God's best for our family. following him is just easy. and so fun! but there are days that i have to admit, i will try to manipulate him in the small things. like, how or why we are choosing to do something. instead of just trusting him. controlling does NOT come from a heart of contentment. its just prideful.

i am a pastor's wife. that does not mean that i am elevated to a level of holiness above anyone else, but it does mean that i may have a higher level of accountability than some. people are watching me. watching how i talk to Ben, how i handle my children, how i dress, how timely i am, how much i serve or volunteer, and even how i blog, tweet or facebook. sometimes, if i allow myself to dwell on that, it can become overwhelming. very overwhelming. i feel as if i will never live up to a certain standard. que the pruning. man is not my standard. Christ alone is my measure for holiness. i aim to please & glorify him. if i keep my eyes on Jesus, then the rest of those things will fall into place. and ultimately, i am so thankful that i am being watched. not because i want all eyes on me, i do not! but because it keeps me humble. keeps me in a constant state of prayer & challenges me to love Jesus more. to serve Ben without a complaint, to love my kids sacrificially, to give of my time for other girls & to happily be part of Revision Church.

walking with Jesus was never intended to be easy. pruning is not fun. or pleasant. but it is so needed because it makes us more like Jesus. and that is the end goal. i want to look as little like Audrey as possible. i want to look fully like Jesus. my heart craves a spirit filled life.

i am so thankful for accountability. i have 2 close friends that have committed to holding me accountable in some big ways. i love these girls. i need them & they need me. we have a sweet, fun relationship. and i trust them implicitly. but i also have 2 precious sisters that are so faithful to show me nothing but love. i feel accountable to them b/c i know they look to me in some ways. and i love that we have such a healthy close relationship. i have the other staff wives at our church. couldn't be more thankful for them & the relationship we all have. they are amazing, godly women. and i have a couple girls in our church that i meet with on a weekly basis. pouring your life into someone else demands accountability. i can not teach them or speak truth to them if i am not living it myself. and then there is my greatest accountability partner, my husband. he amazes me. his love for Jesus is so real. just living with him is convicting & holds me to such a level of accountability. the Lord uses him every single day to teach me something. and my sweet kids. i am accountable for how they are raised. that is huge to me.

whew. this is way longer than i intended it to be. i just wanted to sit down & type out all that i am learning in this blessed season of life. i could probably keep going, but no need.

thankful for Jesus & his pruning. so very thankful. may he be glorified even on my worst day.

Mother's Day

i can't believe this was my 3rd Mother's Day. (4th if you count when i was pregnant with Jack.) i could write page after page about how blessed i am to be a mother. there is no greater joy or responsibility to me than raising my children. i am so blessed to have an amazing husband that is so supportive & works so hard so that i can be home with my kids. i enjoy motherhood so much b/c i have such a sweet husband that takes excellent care of us.

we had such a fun day together yesterday. Ben & the kids gave me the Zumba game for Wii & some painted pottery from Paint a Piece. we spent the morning at church, then we had lunch at the club house with the Williams. we headed over to my parents to spend time with my mom & then went to small group.

i am so thankful for my family. so thankful for a wonderful mother & mother-in-law. so thankful for my husband. and so very thankful for my children. i absolutely LOVE motherhood.

a few pics from my iphone that day. i forgot to bring my camera along with us. (story of my life, ha!)

our church gave each mom 3 roses & a Starbucks gift card. so sweet. so thankful to be part of Revision Church!

the adorable little square plate, painted for me by Jack & Jovie. how cute is this?! i love it! and i love that they did all themselves. so precious. i will keep this forever!

my sweet little kiddos looking out onto the golf course after lunch.

love love love having a little girl! being her momma is so much fun! sweet Jovie Claire.

sweet Jack. little boys are the sweetest!! he makes every day hilarious!

love her.

love him too!

Psalm 127:3
"Behold, Children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward."

praying that i am always the godly mother that my children need. that i point them to Christ. teach them to serve. encourage them to love others. and prepare them for their own families. i am so humbled by God's gifts in my life. may i never take it for granted, or treat them as an obligation. but always, always raise them joyfully!

Happy Mother's Day!!!

Easters Past

(scroll down for another new post)

my friend, Ashley, did a cute post about Easters past with her cute family. i loved it. and it was so fun to look at how her family has grown! so, i thought i would steal her idea & do a post about our past Easters!

Easter 2009

my sweet boy. Jack was almost 6 months old. doesn't he look so sweet?! i miss him being this little!!

me and Jack!

my 2 favorite boys!

our little family of 3. such a sweet time in life!

Easter 2010

my beautiful Jovie on her first Easter. she was 10 weeks old. she got to wear my Easter dress and that was so special to me! doesn't she look precious?!

my two little loves. Jack was 17 months old. how did i survive in those days?! ha! i actually miss this time in life!

our family Easter pic. i hate how tired & frumpy i look. plus, i was about 30 lbs heavier here. but oh well, that is all in the past! at least my hubby & children look adorable!

Easter 2011

i love this picture. so true to their personalities. Jack is 2.5 years old & Jovie is 15 months! i can not believe how big they are in this photo. but, we are having SO much fun with them.

this photo isn't the greatest quality. but it was taken indoors with my iphone, so go figure. and getting them both to look at the camera in unison is next to impossible! ha! they looked so cute in their green!!!

looking forward to Easter 2012 and what it will hold for our little family!

28

um. i'm 28 today. holy guacamole. 30 is just around the corner. and can i just say, i'm loving getting older. i really, really am. not to sound too sentimental or corny, but life just gets sweeter with time. i'm excited to see how different my life will look by the time i'm 30 years old!

my 27th year was my best yet. the Lord seriously moved in my life & the life of my family. i had 2 kids, we left our church, moved to Cordova, Ben graduated seminary & we planted a church. big changes for us. all so exciting & fun.

it is so easy to say that i am most thankful for a healthy marriage & precious kids. obviously, the highlight of my birthday & years to come. but i am also thankful for our church, Revision. i could write a whole post about all that i have learned since January, when our church launched. maybe another time. i'm thankful for sweet friends that encourage me, a family that is supportive & the Lord's provision in every detail. He has been so faithful.

i am praying for big things for my 28th year. some i will keep personal but i want to share a few.

1. grow deeper in my walk with Jesus. this sounds so 'suzy sunday school' but its true. He has given me new responsibilities within ministry. so i need to be constantly growing & clinging to His word.

2. buy a house in Olive Branch. this is our biggest, most pressing issue. our heart is in this city & we want to be available in every area. including being able to open our home to our church & the community. we are hoping to move this summer. but we are still praying for wisdom so that we find the right house at the right time.

3. be intentional in my relationships. i want to cultivate new friendships. i have a sweet best friend. and a couple very close friends. and i know that i can't be bff with everyone. but i want to make a genuine effort to love on people. specifically younger girls. i am currently discipling 2 precious girls & i'm praying that the Lord will help me to empty myself & pour my heart into them.

4. i want to serve. in any way i can. maybe help clean a house, take a meal, babysit for a friend or give of my time. i have really been convicted in this area. i am busy with 2 toddlers, but i still have time to give to others.

5. continue to lose weight & exercise. since January 17, i have lost 23 lbs!!! can i get an amen?! and i am exercising about 5-6 times per week. i am trying hard, eating better, counting calories & watching portion sizes. i try to go to Zumba twice a week & get outside with my kids to exercise or play. i want to lose as much weight as possible before December. can you guess why?!!

6. put my family first. always. i don't really feel like that this is much of a problem at the moment. but i know life gets busy, schedules get hectic & we get stressed. i just want to stay focused on what is important. serving my family. so thankful for them.

i am looking forward to all that 28 is holding for me!! i love birthdays!

a season of grace

i feel like i am living in a season of grace. the Lord is teaching me SO much about this topic. mostly about how He is gracious towards me, so i need to be a gracious person. sounds so bland & plain, but it has brought so much depth & truth to my life.

grace is God's unmerited favor. it is a gift from Him. the very breath that we draw is only by the grace of God. so it can easily be said that every thing good in our lives is by His grace. and everything bad happens b/c He allows it to, out of His grace & love. to teach us, grow us, rebuke us, prune us, love us, correct us & show us His perfect will for our lives.

as a mom, i want to show grace to my children. i want to be quick to forgive, quick to love, quick to teach & slow to anger, frustration & criticism. i want my speech, actions, motives & discipline towards them to be seasoned with grace. it shouldn't be a hard thing to do b/c they are so sweet & loving towards me. but some days, it is hard. some days: i discipline out of anger, raise my voice out of frustration & lose my patience b/c i forget that they are little & still learning the right way to behave. but the Lord is always quick to convict me & remind me that i should give them grace. b/c just as it takes Jack several commands before he shares or Jovie several commands before she stops pulling every single wipe out of the box, it takes me several commands from the Lord before i get it. before i repent, learn my lesson & turn to Him.

i am learning to have grace with my husband. instead of allowing my feelings to get hurt so that i become angry or believing the lie that he is too busy for me, i want to have grace. i want to give him the benefit of my doubt. because i know in my heart, that Ben loves the Lord and loves me. he has proven it over & over. so i want to be a wife that is full of grace. i want to be fully supportive, pray without ceasing for him & treat him with respect. the Lord has given me grace time & again for my actions, thoughts & intentions. so, i should show abounding grace to my husband.

i want to have grace with people. i want to love them & serve them as Christ loves me. i want to treat them the same way Christ treats me. i want to forgive every time, withhold bitterness, bite my tongue instead of being brutally blunt, pray for them instead of curse them & be a picture of Jesus when i feel like allowing my flesh to intercede.

i could expound more. get more personal about how i have learned grace with specific people or specific times in my own sinful behavior, but i won't. because this is a blog post & not an autobiography!

so, i will share some of my favorite verses about grace. because His word is so much sweeter than mine.

Psalm 86:6
"give ear, O Lord, to my prayer; listen to my plea for grace."

John 1:16
"and from His fullness we have all received, grace upon grace."

Acts 20:24
"but i do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only i may finish my course and the ministry that i received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God."

Acts 20:32
"and now i commend you to God and the word of His grace, which is able to build you up and to give the inheritance among all those who are sanctified."

Romans 5:20-21
"now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."

Romans 6:14
"for sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace."

2 Corinthians 1:12
"for our boast is this, the testimony of our conscience, that we behaved in the world with simplicity and godly sincerity, not by earthly wisdom but by the grace of God, and supremely so towards you."

2 Corinthians 9:8
"and God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work."

2 Corinthians 12:9
"but he said to me 'my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness' therefore i will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

praying that the Lord never stops showing me grace & that i learn to have grace with everyone. i want to be slow to anger, patient & loving. i know this is a life long lesson i will face but by His grace, i can do it. day by day.

humbling

motherhood is humbling. truer words have never been spoken. it is amazing how caring for a baby, toddler or child can make you realize your place in this world! it is an honor to be a mother but the Lord is teaching me SO much through raising my children. and lately, it has been several slaps to the face. i need to get with it & get over myself.

being peed or pooped on by your infant or toddler: humbling
being thrown up on & then having to clean it: humbling
going through your entire wardrobe & to find everything is stained with spit up/snot: humbling
standing in the cosmetic aisle in Target & leaking breast milk: humbling
going out to eat with a screaming, fidgety, squirmy, busy, wild toddler: humbling
cleaning poop out of the bath tub: humbling
having every doctor or nurse in the delivery room see you naked: humbling
learning to nurse: humbling
cleaning up after your toddler (food, spit up, toys, clothes/general messes anywhere): humbling
being up all night nursing, feeding or rocking your baby/toddler: humbling
being "that mom" anywhere in public: humbling
your toddler says something embarrassing to a total stranger: humbling
going 3 days without a shower b/c you can't even think straight: humbling
having a child that hates the nursery, so you are constantly paged: humbling
your toddler throws an all out fit in walmart: humbling
giving up money in your budget for yourself b/c your kid needs something: humbling
losing your patience with your child & having to apologize to them: humbling
getting to a doctor's office with your sick child & suddenly they exhibit no symptoms: humbling
going anywhere in public & realizing your child is half dressed: humbling
giving up all hope of looking presentable should someone pop in: humbling
having someone pop in to your house: humbling
giving up your needs, desires & date nights: humbling
learning to discipline your child: humbling
caring for someone else every minute of every day: humbling
falling short & making mistakes when it comes to your kids: humbling
being convicted by the Holy Spirit b/c you want things to be perfect: humbling
knowing that you are responsible to raise your kid in a way that honors Jesus: humbling

every single one of these things have happened to me. just reading this list is humbling! good grief.

we had a rough morning. Ben got up really early to head to church & set up. so, i was here getting the kids ready. i was buzzing around the house, in a irritated frenzy, trying to find all the clothing, diapers, wipes, shoes, bottles, cups & pacis that we would need for the next several hours. Jack was SO concerned about lining up his cars & trucks in the perfect order & Jovie was following me around the house, whining & begging me to pick her up. i couldn't find anything to wear & just as were walking out the door, both kids pooped. when we went back inside to change diapers, Jack just would not cooperate. he desperately wanted to hold on to his fire truck & i just wanted to get him clean. he squirmed one time too many (as Jovie was pulling EVERY wipe out of the package) and i just snapped. i lost my patience. i scolded Jack loudly & whined about how i hated having the responsibility of getting both kids ready by myself every Sunday morning. i was throwing a massive pity party and being ridiculous. when i looked up at Jack he was pouting and had tears streaming down his face. to top it off, he was reaching out his arms trying to give me a hug. in complete silence, my son brought me to my knees. and the Lord tore me up.

i sat down with Jack, half dressed and Jovie screaming, and told him that i was wrong. i explained that i should not have overreacted & scolded him so inappropriately. i told him that mommy was sorry & that i will try to be more patient. he just hugged me & said "awww momma". wow. he had completely forgiven me & he was already moving past it. once again, the Lord tore me up. how quick am i to anger? how slow am i to forgive? i sat on my bedroom floor & asked the Lord to forgive me. i wiped my tears away, gathered up my children & we loaded up in the car. as my kids watched "Toy Story" on the way to church, i had a come to Jesus meeting.

the Lord reminded me how similar my relationship with Him is to my relationship with my kids. i am constantly being disobedient, only concerned about myself, distracted by things of this world & delaying the work He has for me to do. but He is ALWAYS slow to anger & quick to forgive. He humbled Himself for me. and it is my job to humble myself, under Him, for my kids. whew. that is tough stuff. a hard lesson that i am constantly learning.

i think my rough morning was a blessing in disguise. i've gotten too comfortable in my role as mommy. too often i think that i've got things under control. maybe i receive a nice compliment from someone and i think "i guess i am a good mom, others notice it." insanity. that is my flesh talking. i should be walking in the Spirit and understanding that i am just a sinner, redeemed and now walking in Him.

please do not think better of me for sharing this. i only wanted to share about what i am learning as a mom. i need to write it out so that i can look back & know that i need to be humbled. i do not have it all together & i am by NO means super mom. not even close. most days i feel like i barely did a decent job. if my kids are fed & clothed then i'm satisfied! ha! i have learned that my house will never be perfect, my kids don't need to dress perfect, and i won't have a perfect meal on the table every night. i just need to live each day in a way that honors the Lord & blesses my kids.

thankful for a Savior that is always working, teaching & loving. i need His grace. praying that i glorify Him in the way that i care for my family.

Psalm 18: 27
"you save the humble but bring low those whose eyes are haughty"

Psalm 25:9
"He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them His way"

Psalm 147:6
"the Lord sustains the humble, but casts the wicked to the ground"

Isaiah 2:11
"the eyes of the arrogant will be humbled and human pride brought low; the Lord alone will be exalted in that day"

Matthew 11: 29
"take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls"

Ephesians 4:2
"be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love"

1 Peter 5:6
"humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time"


learning to humble yourself is a lifetime process. He is teaching me to take it one day at a time. so thankful for motherhood.