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Thursday, January 6, 2011

Unhealthy Fears

ever since i had Jack, i've been dealing with some unhealthy fears. just motherly worries about his (and now Jovie's) general well being. but i have let my mind wonder & dwell on things that are not healthy for my heart, mind or spiritual walk. the Lord has been so gracious & generous in how He has brought me through these fears. His grace is so sufficient.

i'm not really going to expand too much on the things that i have really struggled with in the past 2 years. one reason is b/c i don't really feel the need to bare my entire soul via the internet. some things are best kept to yourself or your close loved ones. another reason is b/c i don't want to come across as petty, silly, ungrateful or morbid. i guess the truth is that my pride is worried about someone really judging me b/c of my fears. which is silly b/c i know we all have different struggles & if we were honest, we probably all worry that we would be judged if we really shared our hearts. which, i think is really sad. a lie from Satan, actually. b/c although we don't have to broadcast our business to the planet, we should feel like we can share our heart with those we can trust to pray with us and for us. i believe that can be so freeing & the Lord can use others to bring us encouragement & peace.

if you are a mother, you can probably relate, a little bit, to the fears i am speaking of. and if you are not a mother, yet, i'm sure you have fears concerning your loved ones too. you know what i mean, we don't want anything to ever happen to someone we love. and by anything i mean terrible anythings. the life-altering anythings. the problem is that there are so many blogs, news stories, emails, facebook statuses and tweets filled with stories of suffering, grief & sorrow. and if we aren't careful, we can allow our minds to be consumed with these things, to the point where we begin to worry & even fret that this will surely happen to us. b/c things are just too good, too happy or too healthy. surely, the Lord will allow something bad to happen. WOW. what a terrible twisted lie from the evil one. complete untruth. i am ashamed to admit that i have allowed these thoughts to enter my mind & settle in my heart. i know better. b/c i serve a loving Savior. He does allow things, but never for our spiritual harm. it is ALWAYS to teach us & grow us into who He wants us to be. more like Jesus. that is the ultimate goal of this life. and if going through the fire shapes me to look more like Christ, then i welcome it. and that is very hard for me to say.

i understand that all of these stories surrounding us about grief, are not a bad thing. people are real & their sorrows are real. they need to be encouraged, lifted up & loved on. and we need to be there to meet a need or lend an ear. that is how we minister to fellow believers & those who do not yet know Him. He can do great things in those fragile times. it is in the valley that Christ is sweeter. what a merciful God we serve.

i am learning so much, in my role of motherhood. it has truly been the greatest teaching period of my life. i have grown as a wife & a mom. the Lord has been ever faithful and present. when those fears become too captivating, i can bring them to Him & He always relieves me of my own thoughts. He tells me of His will & plan for me. He reminds me how much He loves me & my family. He comforts me by telling me that He has been, is now & always will be with me. i am His. and He is mine. then He takes those burdens from me & carries them Himself. wow. He is the best.

it has been a process for me. but He has used my sweet husband to help me along the way. where would i be without my Ben? he has definitely been my pastor, teacher & biggest prayer warrior. i am so grateful for a loving, supportive man that truly cares about my heart & spiritual well being. it is so comforting for me. i thank the Lord for Ben & how He is constantly using him in my life. marriage is a blessing.

i know i have rambled. and if anyone has read this, bless you. good grief i can yap. but i just wanted to share my heart, a little bit. i wanted to testify about His great love & faithfulness. i wanted to remember all that He has done in my life, so that when i struggle again, i can be reminded that i have nothing to fear. Praise the Lord.

how do people live apart from Christ?! i'm telling you, i couldn't do it. and i pray that i share about His grace with those who need it.

thank you Lord for all you have taught me. thank you for showing me that your ways are not my ways. and that i can fully, completely trust you, with all things. you know best & care about every detail and every person in my life. you alone are good. help me to praise you, all the time.

Deuteronomy 31:8
"it is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."

Luke 12:32
"fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom"

2 Timothy 1:7
"for God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control"

1 John 4:18
"there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."

Revelation 15:4
"Who will not fear, O Lord, and glorify your name? For you alone are holy. all nations will come and worship you, for your righteous acts have been revealed."


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