Monday, June 29, 2009

B is for Baby

friday, june 12, 2009. this is a day that will forever stick out in my mind. this is the day i found out that i am pregnant. what?! did you read that right?! did i hear my doctor right?! yes to all of the above. i want to put in writing the events of the day so that i will forever remember my thoughts, feelings & emotions concerning sweet pea #2!

let me back up. thursday night as ben & i were getting into bed i said these exact words to him: "how funny would it be if when i went to the doctor tomorrow they told me i was pregnant?!" but we immediately dismissed my little joke b/c i was on birth control & surprisingly i was good at taking it like i should. my hubby said "babe, you aren't pregnant, but even if you were, it would be ok" in my head i was thinking "uhh, no. i just had a baby."

fast forward to friday morning. the st. jude tournament was going on at southwind that weekend. which happens to be where ben's parents live. every year, we go all weekend & set up shop at his parents so we can enjoy the festivities. so the plan was for all 3 of us to go to his parents' house first & then i would leave to be at my obgyn appointment by 11 a.m. i arrived at my doctor's office 10 minutes early. my doctor is usually very prompt but today she was running behind. so i sat in the waiting room for about 25 minutes. all the while, i'm thinking "ughh, i really don't want to get a pap smear, i can't wait for this to be over so i can get back to the fun with my family." then the nurse calls me back. i do the traditional pee in a cup, weight check, blood pressure. then she sits me down & asks me when my last cycle was. i'm dumbfounded. i have no idea. normally, i keep up with that pretty well. but my birth control caused my cycles to be crazy, usually 2 a month so i just gave up on trying to keep tabs on it. i looked at her desk calendar & starting counting back the weeks. i knew it had been at least 3 weeks but as i kept counting i could recall the events of the past month & i knew that my little monthly friend had not visited me b/c it usually will make a difference in my moods. i say to her "umm, i think its been like 6 weeks. but that doesn't mean anything." i then explain to her my birth control drama. as i'm doing this her eyes are wide & she is smiling. but i just knew in my head that i wasn't pregnant. i can't be. no way, no how. impossible. not happening. remember, i just had a baby. she then shows me to the tiny freezing room with the oh so lovely & comfy stirrup chair. i sit & sit & sit & sit. my hubby calls me once. but i ignore the call b/c i have terrible reception in there. so i text him & say i'm in the room waiting to see dr williams. my nurse comes in twice, each time writing on my chart, chatting politely & reassuring me that my doctor will be in shortly. i'm thinking: "don't they know i'm sitting in a cold room in a paper gown waiting to be prodded & invaded?!"

15 minutes later, dr williams walks in the room. now let me take a moment to brag on her. she really is incredible. so sweet & always so calm. she was so wise & comforting when i went through the bout of pre-eclampsia with jack. i honestly didn't freak out b/c she made me feel so safe & reassured. back to the moment. she has my chart in her hand, and on top of it i see 2 short fat sticks. she says "well, you're pregnant." i say "what?! no way!!" she replies "umm, yeah you are, we did 2 tests just to be sure" i then repeat at least 5 times "you've gotta be kidding me, there is just no way. are you really sure?!!!!" she just chuckles and says "i know you're on the pill, so your eggs are just powerful, you're fertile myrtle." i burst into tears. i honestly have never been so shocked in my life. she hugs me & reassures me that everything is going to be ok, she had a feeling i would cry & how this is such a great blessing. all i can get out of my mouth is " i just had a baby" she just laughed. after about 5 minutes of me trying to get it together in the midst of my cry fest, i try to explain to her that this is certainly not bad news, just very very shocking. i tell her that i took my pill just like she said to, i think i said to her "how did this happen?!!" she said "do you really need me to explain that part?!" i say "no i just really don't understand. you're not supposed to get pregnant when you're on birth control" she said "well to be honest, this doesn't happen very often, most women don't get pregnant on birth control. you are just the special one" ( i was on the birth control that i was allowed to take b/c i was nursing jack) my nurse walked in & i said to her " you knew this both times when you came in here & didn't tell me?!!!" she said "well i wanted dr williams to tell you in case you cried!" i'm thinking "umm, a little heads up that my life is changing, again, forever would have been nice!!!" but i know it wasn't really her place to spill the beans. i'm just going crazy!! dr williams then proceeds with my invasive & oh so fun exam. then i'm sent off to a quick ultrasound that couldn't tell me anything b/c i wasn't far enough along. an appointment is scheduled for 2 weeks later & i'm out the door.

i get in the car & just cry out to the Lord. i said so much to Him. i cried a little, laughed a little & honestly just poured my heart out to Him. i remember telling Him that i trusted Him & i knew He would provide for us, but i gently reminded Him (although He didn't need it) that i just had a baby!! i cried b/c i didn't want to loose any time with Jack & i worried that i would be missing out on precious time with him b/c i would be caring for a new little one. i know that's all silly, but it was just raw emotion. i told the Lord that we can't afford this baby, we don't have a lot of room for this baby & once again, that i just had a baby!!! its seriously all i could come back to! the experience leading up to Jack's birth was still so fresh in my mind & that brought a lot of fear. i kept thinking that i didn't want to go through all of that again, it was hard & very painful. the actual c-section wasn't even the hardest part. but the memories of the unknown, countless needle pokes & the fear that comes with caring for such a tiny baby were haunting my mind.
i was so scared to tell ben & our families. i must admit, i was scared of what people would think & say to us. i could just hear all the comments about how close in age they would be and how it would be so much work & how we should've waited & just enjoyed our time with Jack. or about how it was really gonna put more strain on our budget. in the middle of my negative nancy attitude my phone rings. its the hubs. i quickly pull myself together b/c i knew he could instantly pick up the trembling in my voice & i want to tell him in person that we are having another baby. our conversation goes something like this b (ben) says " hey babe, how did the appt go?" me " um, it went fine, just the typical doctor's visit. i had to wait forever today b/c she was running late" b "yeah, that's why i called you twice i was wondering what was going on. so did she put you on a new birth control?" (this is part of the reason i went to the doctor) me "um, no" then b says "well why not, isn't that the reason you went?" i say " well b/c i'm pregnant" he says " what? no you aren't, quit joking around" i said "babe, i would never joke about this, i'm really pregnant" then my voice begins to get shakey & i tell him the story. he just falls out laughing. he keeps telling me how wonderful it is & how he is so excited & how we are going to have so much fun. he said "babe, the Lord wanted us to have this baby, you were on the pill & still got pregnant, its all going to be ok" he was really so sweet about it & genuinely excited. i voiced to him all of my concerns about money, time with jack, space in our house, our cars that need a lot of work & need to be sold & the main thing: WE JUST HAD A BABY!!! but he just laughingly dismissed my worries & reassured me that it would all be fine. my hubbys never worries about anything. he's a rock. we talk for a few more minutes & get off the phone b/c i'm only minutes from the house.
when i get to his parents house, i walk in the kitchen with a blank look on my face. i could tell that my family knew something was up. i was so quiet & wide eyed. ben & i talked for a few minutes and he returned to the tournament. later that day we tell his family. they are shocked but very excited & so encouraging. the next night we tell my family. my sisters & mom scream with joy & everyone else is stunned! but they were all so sweet & reassuring about everything.
for the next 3 days, i am in a complete state of shock. i cried a lot, laughed a lot & did a ton of praying. i had multiple conversations with the Lord. after the 3 days, i had such an overwhelming peace in my heart about this situation. now please understand something: i realize that i am beyond blessed to be able to get pregnant so easily. i know there are women out there begging God to give them a child. i know they struggle & hurt for years only to suffer countless disappointments. and i know, 100% that a baby is nothing but a blessing. i have a close friend who has had struggles with infertility for 2 years & it absolutely breaks my heart. i have mourned for her & asked the Lord 100's of times to bless her with a child. and in my heart, i really believe He will, in His perfect timing. BUT i was just shocked. we weren't planning it & it was all of a sudden just so overwhelming. please know that there was never a time during all of this that i regretted this baby or wished i wasn't pregnant. i was never mad that i was going to have another child. just shocked. we had planned Jack (the best we could) & we just figured that's what we would do with the next one. i just couldn't believe that the Lord gave us another one so suddenly!! i love this baby, so much, already. i am so excited about having a newborn & watching Jack interact with his sibling. i know they will be so close growing up & we are going to have a lot of fun. Ben & I have already picked out names & we are counting down until that day in September when we find out the sex of the baby. so please don't read this with a judgemental attitude about me. my reaction was just honest & real. i'm allowed to feel those emotions without dismissing my baby.
i am praising the Lord every day for this child. i know he/she must be something super special b/c the Lord decided to surprise us with this pregnancy. i'm excited about the doctor's appointments, feeling the baby wiggle, finding out the sex, giving our child a name, and giving birth to this beautiful little creature. all of the morning sickness, back aches, sleepless nights, countless times i will have to pee & swollen ankles are completely worth it. i am beyond blessed & so grateful to Jesus. being jack's mommy has been my favorite thing in the world. (besides being married to my stud muffin hubby!) so i can only imagine how great it will be to be a mommy to 2 little kids. it will be glorious & exhausting!! the Lord is in control & His way is always best. i'm a little worried about the possibility of dealing with pre-eclampsia again but i'm not gonna dwell on that. if it happens, it happens. i trust the Lord with mine & this baby's health. but this pregnancy has already been different than Jack's so there is a chance that i'll remain completely healthy. which is what we're praying for.
so b is for baby. the baby i just had. and our sweet & tiny baby growing inside me. due February 15, 2010. PRAISE THE LORD. He is always good. always faithful. always more capable than me. we are so excited about meeting, loving & caring for another baby. it will be amazing. i pray i never take for granted the gift of pregnancy, a baby & being a mom. it is my greatest joy.
" the thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly" John 10: 10


Rachel said...

Praise the Lord! You are right, Audrey, this baby is 100% a blessing! I am so excited for you to realize (like I did) how special more children are. I worried and worried about giving E enough time and if I'd love the 2nd one as much and if I'd be as interested in all the little milestones since I'd already seen E go through them. But it is JUST AS WONDERFUL, and Jude convinced me to just have as many kids as God allows, because it's so great. :) So happy for you! Praying for a good pregnancy and a healthy baby!

Lori T said...

Thanks for sharing your raw emotions. And yea for good husbands who put things into perspective. And Congratulations!!

Shannon said...

As I read that, it brought me back 3.5 months. Those are the same feelings I was feeling. I know exactally how you feel. Just know that our Lord is good. He has taken care of you up to this point and will continue to take care of you. I am praying for your family! I love you girl!

Monogramchick said...

Wow what an awesome post. Thank you for sharing. Congrats and God bless!!

Jessica Kenney said...

That was good! It made me laugh. I am very excited for you guys!!! Jack will be a great big brother.

Josh and Kacie said...

What a sweet little blessing to come and what a fun story to tell. Excited for you.

Audra said...

Audrey, this is so similar to how I felt with Drew. Just shocked. So unplanned! Such unexpected timing in our eyes, but perfect timing in God's glorious plan! But now I can't imagine it any other way! And I'm sure you'll think the same thing! I admire you for such a great attitude and for sharing so freely!