Tuesday, September 8, 2009

E is for Emotional

so this is the part of my blog where i ramble on & on about my pregnancy. so, if you don't want to listen to me gab about pregnancy hormones or emotions, then by all means, skip this post entirely. i am basically writing this for myself, b/c i am feeling it so strongly (& i actually do want to remember it, b/c its funny!).

lately, i have been a hot mess. i'm not kidding. ask my hubby, he can testify. i have been so moody, emotional, hormonal & exhausted. i know this is all pregnancy related b/c by nature i'm not a super emotional, whiny, testy, moody, cranky basket case! but something about growing a baby (24/7) plus taking care of a 10 month old (24/7) will just open the flood gates. i mean it. ridiculous. i have become that lady. the other day, i teared up b/c walmart was out of my favorite scented candle. and a few weeks ago, i was livid b/c i missed Sonic's happy hour by 10 minutes. i mean, i could've cussed someone out! and it was all my fault. then i came home from work & discovered ben had done loads of laundry & i did a little happy dance. i was elated. insane. i know. i don't remember it being this bad when i was pregnant with jack. but my sweet husband kindly reminded me that emotions & mood were an issue for me with jack too.

lately, the Lord has really been dealing with me in the area of trust. its been rough. i've heard and read about soooo many families going thru tragedy concerning their children. trisomy 13, trisomy 18, heart disease, SIDS, cancer & other vicious disease are ripping into families and their young children. i've heard of parents loosing their infants, toddlers and young children. it is breaking my heart. i know that b/c of sin, disease & death are a reality. but something about it affecting an innocent child is almost more than i can physically bare. and its not exactly the kind of thing i want to be thinking about while i'm carrying this sweet baby. we are 16 days away from our BIG ultrasound, where we find out the gender & if our baby is healthy. this brings MUCH anxiety for me. i want so desperately for this baby to be healthy. i have cried out to God on several occasions, begging him for Jack & baby J's health. it's so very important to ben & I. less than 2 weeks ago, after i put Jack to bed, i found myself alone in my living room talking with the Lord. tears came flooding to my eyes as i thought about all of those hurting families & i realized that my little family is not above any of those terrible things. at any moment, tragedy could strike. so it got me wondering, how would we handle it? i couldn't answer that question. i know it would cripple me. so i got down on my knees, before the Lord & sobbed & sobbed & sobbed. i begged him to protect ben, myself, Jack & baby J. I confessed a lot of things to the Lord about my untrusting and unwilling heart. i wasn't willing of going through anything that horrible. and i told the Lord how very scared i am of said troubles. but He gently reminded me that He has the grace to see me through anything. i had a sweet time with Him.

Ben & I have already committed our kids to the Lord & we know that He IS ABLE. we trust Him with them no matter what. i have learned that God is good, all the time. in good and in bad. but He also taught me that i don't have to live in fear or paranoia that something will happen to my babies. He never intended that for us. He gently reminded me of a verse that i learned in bible drill.
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalm 56:3
that's it. i just need to trust. so i got up from that conversation with the Lord with a new peace and a new heart. I will not live that way. i just won't. i had a talk with the hubs when he got home and he was so sweet. he made me feel so much better & encouraged me to allow this fear to strengthen my prayer life. i know he prays for our kids constantly. and that is so special to me. i still get emotional and teary eyed when i think about how much i love my kids & how i want them to be healthy, but i can follow it up with prayer & His word . how do people live everyday without Jesus?! i just don't know. i'm telling you, i couldn't do it. He literally sustains me, all the way.

but i am still emotional. one minute i'm feeling great & ready to conquer my to-do list, run errands and get out to do something fun with Jack. the next minute i'm feeling lonely, sad, irritated & i just want to nap or hide in the house. so ridiculous. but pregnancy does crazy things to a girl. c-r-a-z-y things. owell, at least i have an excuse for this insane behavior & feelings!!! its exhausting, but i'm trying to embrace it! and i really just need to get over myself but this is the only time i'm allowed to act silly. if you've been pregnant, you know exactly what i'm saying. if you haven't experienced this little gem yet, just keep living. once you get pregnant, i won't seem so crazy. i promise. (and i might be the one giggling at you!!)

i really believe that you don't know worry until you have a baby. its unlike anything else. but it's normal. not healthy, but normal. i'm learning. everyday. raising a child brings a lifetime of little worries but i have the Lord to lean on & an incredible supportive husband. and that makes me feel like i can face each day. it has been a hard lesson for me to learn. i know i'll worry about my kids even when i'm not pregnant, but pregnancy just amplifies ALL things. trust me. other than that constant worried feeling, i'm going to allow myself to embrace the crazy hormones of pregnancy. why not?! hopefully my hubby won't leave me! i think he's learned to just humor me. so if you see a crying, angry, laughing preggo lady at walmart that's all worked up over a greeting card, come say hello to me. and be glad you don't have those extra hormones surging through your body!!!

happy fall!!! almost!


Shannon said...

Girl, aint it the truth. I can be ridiculous as well! The joys of pregnancy!

Jessica Kenney said...

You crack me up. I remember when I was pregnant w/ Cooper we went to eat at OCharleys and I ordered Prime Rib. The waiter brought it out and I started crying as Jon looked at me like I was crazy, I said, I didnt want that I wanted ribs!! HAHA!